torn up. 

mmm law quiz today. quiz? i hope so, regardless im fucked. i need a miracle to pass like threee classes? can I haz love letter god? please help me know that this is going to end up be ok. I know I will try unbelievable harder next term, and probably completely blow all my classes out of the water, but I need to make it through this term. One thing I am proud of is that today, I managed to keep myself from cycling. I thought my way through it I fought against and for the first time in my life actually beat it. This is a new step for me. And that makes me happy. Its a baby step because I am still fighting it tooth and nail as we speak. but its still a step. I can only hope that there are many more. 

gonna fail out of skewl :(. why can't it be tuesday or hell this time next year?

i just want security. and I don't know who how to ask for that, and im afraid you will say no or just do it to make me happy. i want you to want it to. which is improbable

im just so afraid you will hurt me again.

i wish i wasnt alone.

packing list

CELL PHONE CHARGER

COMPOODER AND CHARGER

BIRTH CONTROL

6pairs of panties

3 bras

3 pairs of pants

2 skirts

1 dress

shoes

socks

hoodie

jacket

sleeping wear

shampoo/conditioner

BRUSH

makeup

To Do

Tuesday 11

Call Hopkins

Take movie back to TR

Work on pagan book

Advisor

weds 12

work on pagan book

advisor

thursday

open advising meeting

work

book

friday 

take lindsay to airport

go to cog psych

work

pagan book

saturday

work

write pagan report

sunday

meeting

work

review report

Monday

start getting ready for trip

YES WE CAN

depressed.fuck. getting to the point where its almost impossible to hide it. i just want to not exsist anymore. im dying on the inside and I can't tell anyone. i feel so alone.

epic faiill boat

jack is annoying. you would think after supposedly breaking his dumb fucking heart he wouldnt want anything to do with me. but after my drunken apology on saturday he is all set to hit it again. seriously. SERIOUSLY. he is fun to hang out with but I have no desire to bang him. 

Two Years

Over the past two years I have changed so much, but I feel like I have not made any strides toward getting my life into track. His status made me cry this morning cause I identified with and, and because I am afraid it had to do with me since we met two years ago this coming weds. I wonder if he thinks like I do sometimes about how different his life would be if he had not met me on that fated bus trip two years ago. I thought about it and I do not regret meeting him, if I could go back in time I probably would change how I handled our whole situation but meeting him no. He has been a catalyst for change in me the past two years:
In the past two years:

I fell in love for the first time
Lost my virginity
Transferred Schools
Truly disappointed my parents for the first time
Got 2 tattoos and 7 piercings
Dated people for the first time
Had my first heartbreak
Held a job for over a year
Changed majors
Made friends
Lost friends
Figured out what I wanted to do with my life, just not the means to the end
Became an Aunt
Lost most of my illusions about the world
Became more political
Gained self esteem
Gained self worth
Became stronger
Got diagnosed with Bi polar disorder
Been heavily medicated
Almost died cause of said medication
Took self off medication
Experimented with sex, drugs, and alcohol
Made a best friend
Had the definition of soul mate radically changed
Wondered if I am actually with the person I am meant to be with forever
Grown Up
Regressed
Lost my faith and found a strong sense of spirituality
Stopped trying to actively kill myself
Started Smoking
Stopped Acting
Stopped playing music
Stopped living
Started waiting

I need to start living again.

fuck it. im done. trashed and alone. unwanted and unloved. i hate this life.

ugh.hate life. we are over. havent heard in almost 24 hours. for us thats a long time. im sad and suprisingly numb to it at the same time. i guess its run its course. in other news i am in a really bad mood and my roommate is really starting to piss me off.

fail blog

it feels/ i am failing everything except motivation and Psychology of Lesbian Culture. I know I can bring my grade up in Law and in Bio, bio idk if i can bring it up enough though. Math is very iffy and cognition is too. idk what I am going to do this is just adding to my depression. i really wish i could get it toether before it is too late. i also want a kitten, i keep having a reoccuring dream about a black and white kitten.

pierced

got my tongue pierced. i can't talk. i feel like we are growing apart. this sucks. i need to get a new hobby.

sick

so im sick. thanks in part I am sure to ciggarettes. FUCKERS. anyways maybe this will help me quit. I went to math today and I intend to go to every fucking class this week, and do all my homework. I want to do well in school so I can get the fuck out. In other news we are trying to get our manager to quit. They called me to see if I could fill in for my friend who called out and i was like I CANT TALK afnakfndknfndfakdf, so they were like fuck. and i was like cold FTW. i hope things are going ok between me and him, I am not sure.

i fail at quitting cigarettes

i went two days without smoking and then by early tuesday morning I couldn't take it anymore. I am so stressed with school and work and relationships that I had to have that outlet so yay I have cancer sticks again, but im going to try and cut back smoking only one a day as opposed 1-5 lol...which is bad because before i would max out at 3. mccain obama debate tonight..should be interesting. i need to finish fixing my computer and do my homework for tomorrow. my tb test looks weird, i hope its not gonna be a false positive. im supposed to go to hopkins for training tomorrow. 

Graduation

I am graduating from having a livejournal that two people read to having a blog no one will read. I intend to not tell anyone about this and see how many people actually find it. 

Waking up to go a math class I hate and sit in the back and squint, but still I woke up in time which was a win. I ate grits all of yesterday so I would be able to have high enough iron to give blood. I WAS ABLE TO GIVE!!! i passed out afterwards though and had to spend the rest of the morning in bed zzzZZZZZzzzZZZzzzZzzZ. Then Shay started rustling around and driving me nuts. Love her to death but I really want my own room lol. Then I drove to Bayview ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT PLACE. ITs so fucking pretty I cannot wait until weds when I go for training. The occupational health center gave me a female condom. its so weird looking, too bad i'll never use it. I have work tonight but its only til 10 so thats not that bad. I need to study for my law quiz and go over my osmosis lab stuff to give a presentation in lab tomorrow. I am sad Jennifier isn't in our lab group anymore she was really cool and oh wait old like me lol. Can it be summer yet? I feel like this coming summer is going to help define the tone for the rest of my life, I will either be finishing up college or almost done with a semester left. I want to go to the beach and play with my nephews. I want to go on a backpacking trip on the Applachian Trail with Nick and Marc. Nick really wants me to do this jazz and bluegrass roadtrip over spring break. It is definately something to think about.