it hurts a lot more than I thought. but its actually over. He is barely speaking to me. where did this all go wrong?

I still feel like my heart has been torn open

i am so sick and so tired. i can go on, but each time I think about what is going on I just feel worse and worse. I just can't grasp that this is probably the end. But what else could it be? I am so totally and completely lost. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and not have to function. I had a dream about him last night, I never dream about him. We were watching some thing about Germany and he kept asking me if I would go with him some day. We were just holding each other and talking about the future. I woke up alone and cold.

The push towards summer

I have not written in this thing for a long time. I really should not be writing in it now as I am two paragraphs into a huge essay that is due at 10 am. If I could concentrate I would be writing the paper, but there are so many other things on my mind right now. Namely the latest chapter in the drama that is my relationship with my best friend. I just got back less than 24 hours ago from cincinnati where I spent all 9 days of my spring break with him. It had its ups and downs but overall I had a good time and was optimistic when I got back to Maryland. We had been officially boyfriend and girlfriend again for a few weeks prior to this. When I got online later in the afternoon after napping a bit I was blindsided by his conversation with me. He doesnt know how he loves me or what he wants from us. It hurts so bad because I know how I love him and I feel disgustingly stupid and stuck in an unbalanced love affair. I feel used because most of the time he acts and treats me like I am his girlfriend and then when he pulls this shit and just wants to be friends I just have trouble understanding. He doesnt seem to understand the lines of friendship and other relationships. There are varying levels of intimacy in relationships and we are at the point where our intimacy is so deep that for me there is no question, there are things I do with him things I don't hide from him, ways I touch and hold him, that are not things that I do with friends. I don't spend hours cuddling in bed with my friends female or male. I don't talk about getting married and having children with my friends as them being part of the equation. I don't refer to my friends even jokingly as my fiance or fiance type thing. I don't ask my friends to move states away and start new lives with them. I don't go out of my way to impress or be friendly with my friends parents. He doesnt do that with mine, but everything else listed above he does with me. And you know I have no clue what he does when I am not around. For all i know he could be doing all those other things with his other friends. I know and understand having a fear of commitment. he is a young male and he isn't programmed socially or biologically to commit to one person at this time. Males and females mature at different rates and I am probably well definately a lot more mature than he is. What I don't understand is him saying he doesn't know how to differentiate between lovers and friends, that for him there is no difference. And since he is struggling with that our relationship suffers. He knows I want more but he isn't sure thats what he wants. I think he thinks he makes me happy by pretending to want to be with me, but in reality it just hurts all the more when he pulls the rug out from underneath me, this is not the first time this has happened and I really should have learned long ago that I will only be a friend to him. A complicated friend but at this point I can't see him ever actually choosing me for good and being content and happy with that decision. I am pretty thouroughly hurt by this latest development. I can't sleep, I feel sick, I am listless and can't concentrate. Nothing makes me feel better. My heart is broken because the future I thought I had, the future I had been working towards is gone. I know its not the end of the world but I can't help but think that this is a very serious time for both of us. He means the world to me, I would do anything for him, including stepping down as his number one girl and letting myself be torn apart as I watch him cycle through new lovers and new loves. What scares me the most is that when he starts seeing other people again, which I think is a inevitable step that i will not be able to handle it. That I will have to step away for awhile and let myself heal the gaping hole in my heart that he has left and then maybe with time we can strengthen a strictly platonic relationship, something that seems we should have done from the start. Its not impossible I guess and no one died from unrequited love.